As a perfect answer to the people over my lifetime who would pontificate about Hofstadtler (sometimes without having read the book), I present you a supreme bad invention: the Gödel Escher Bra! Held up with Möbius Straps! (Alternate form: Eternal Golden Bra) I thought of this in 2015 — just came across it again and … Continue reading “Bad Invention: The Gödel Escher Bra”
My cat loves to try to sharpen her claws on my nice leather boots while I’m wearing them. Perfect opportunity for a BAD INVENTION. Cat spats! Made of scratching-post-quality sisal fabric, they’d buckle on over your shoes to protect them from errant claws. Then your cat can enjoy digging in and your boots will be … Continue reading “Bad Invention: Cat Spats!”
My cat likes to nuzzle my face in order to scratch her chin against the rim of my glasses, often knocking the glasses right off. I was thinking that I could hot glue some old toothbrush heads to some sunglasses, bristles pointing forward. The cat would then be able to affectionately bump my face while … Continue reading “Bad Invention: Meowbrows!”
There is nothing like a hearty chain sneezing bout to bring on a flood. And there is nothing more annoying than days and days of bleeding all over the place. OPPORTUNITY! Why not help your Aunt Flo leave town faster by administering my latest and best invention, MENSTRUAL SNEEZING POWDER. Just snort it copiously on … Continue reading “Bad Invention: Menstrual Sneezing Powder”
Lately I keep finding little torn up plastic pouches around the house with Danny’s name on them. They turned out to be some sort of personalized vitamins where each packet says DANNY on it and then a little inspirational saying. The vitamins also, I believe, have an app. I find my partner’s propensity to order … Continue reading “Bad invention: Personalized kleenex!”
In the fine tradition of terrible cat-related inventions, I present: the Cat Tree Suit! Cover some knee-high leather boots with sisal rope, or just staple the rope all over a pair of jeans. Scratching Post Pants! Optional hip belt with built-in ledge for the cat to rest at the halfway mark as it climbs. The … Continue reading “Bad Inventions: Scratching Post Pants and Cat Tree Suit”
I have two new Bad Inventions for my collection of ideas that I will never implement and everyone is free to steal! First, let me introduce the Laptop Girdle (or laptop belt)! I often am working on my computer while lying on my back with knees and feet up on pillows to relieve strain in … Continue reading “Bad Inventions: The laptop girdle and the standing desk bra!”
This terrible invention fits well into my usual purview, cat-related ridiculousness — like dead mouse cat treats, sugar cereal themed cat litter, and of course the ever-popular Catula. Instead of horrible genetically engineered “bed dogs” that are like animal exploitationy meat-based waterbeds (Thanks but no thanks, Larry Niven), we should invent purring blankets. Take a … Continue reading “Bad inventions: The purring electric blanket”
This is hardly a bad invention. It is sheer genius, because dumplings are fucking delicious. And because I don’t have time to create it, I give it to you. The Dumpling Compass! Dumpling Compass is a phone app that points you towards the nearest dumpling source. Consider the miracle of the dumpling. The basic idea … Continue reading “Bad Inventions: Dumpling Compass!”
I have two more bad inventions to add to the world, both cat-related! Think how awesome it would be if we had cat treats that had the varied textures of dead mice! Pampered indoor cats could have the fun of chewing on the leathery outer skin made of meat jerky, crunching the fake bones, savoring … Continue reading “Bad inventions: Dead mouse cat treats”