Imagine you have to blow your nose. You don’t have any pockets and no tissues are handy. But wait! You’re wearing your Sockerchiefs!
Sockerchiefs, the latest in my line of horrible and pointless inventions, would be a handkerchief attached to your sock with velcro.
Reach down, rip off the top half of your socks, and blow your nose. Then simply re-attach the hankie to the Sockerchief.
This is possibly even more disgusting than the Beer Hat Neti Pot! It’s extra cringe-worthy since no one would want velcro on their handkerchief. And since it’s easy enough to tuck your handkerchief into the top of your sock if you don’t have pockets (along with your money and ID) it’s also quite pointless. But I’m recording all my bad inventions because I’m still bitter about predicting the cat-ear hat trend back in 1993 or so and then failing to make millons of dollars when people started wearing animal ear hats for real. 20 years from now when the Sockerchief or Cat Egg industrial empire rules the world I can at least point here and say “I told you so”.
I have endless frivolous bad inventions! World, I bring you . . . the Beer Hat Neti Pot. Beer hats are those contraptions that rig up two cans of beer on your head, one on either side of a hat, with plastic tubing so that the beer siphons into your mouth.
You can be too drunk to lift up your own beer and still keep drinking. Grrrreat.
Neti pots are those little teapot looking things that you stick up your nose to irrigate your sinuses with salt water. They’re very effective at helping a stuffed up nose!
So obviously, there is a socially useful medical application for the Beer Hat!
Yes, the Beer Hat Neti Pot will bring joy and healthy nasal passages ! Even if your sinus infection is so bad you can’t bear to bend over the sink to rinse your sinuses in salt solution, you can wear the BHNP in bed or around the house. The tubes come down from bottles of salt water attached to the hat, and go right up your nostrils. An elastic band will help keep the nose tubes securely attached.
Perhaps some intrepid voyagers in the world of terrible inventions would want to irrigate their sinuses with beer!
Using a nose mask or perhaps a snorkel, the backwash from your snotty nose could then be channelled into another tube that goes into a Camelbak backpack.
Or if you live on a boat like I do, you could go on deck and let your nose water flow freely into the harbor.
I have allergies and get a lot of sinus infections so I’ve had a lifetime to think about this important issue!
I will make ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
Someday I’ll blog seriously about books and politics and poetry again, I promise.
Beer hat photo by Dave Nicoll