ups and downs

My ankles have been so great and I’ve been walking more and more but I guess I went too far – maybe the squatting down while arranging stuff in the garden and digging or maybe just the cumulative extra walking was too much too fast. I thought I was being so cautious – literally years of waiting to be ready to even walk half a block to the corner and back – And then once able to do that I have waited like 6 months of building strength before trying to do anything further.

It feels like a bad dream.

I’m back in the manual chair in the house. Got out the shower chair.

Pain is not great but I can’t move my ankles at all without some pain and probably I should break out the walking boots/ night splints. It is painful/stiff/burning feeling but not as bad as it was that first year (no splinters/stabbing/boa constrictor squeezing feeling but that is what i’m scared of)

I can’t even express how much this sucks and how scared I am that it might get really really bad again like in 2011.

Here’s hoping not and that some days not walking, lots of forbidden NSAIDs, ice, elevating, etc. will let my ankles heal up again. I will also go to my nice new doctor. Just go all in on the NSAIDs and get some long lasting variety? (whatever replaced celebrex/vioxx if that exists?) Prednisone? Orthopedist again for round million of MRIs? Oh god.

Well whatever, I can cope even if so.

I am on day 3 of this. It wasn’t so bad today emotionally because I went out to get my allergy shots (train ride, nice lunch, allergy nurse was super nice, lovely view of the city to the bridge to the ocean, from UCSF clinic windows). They are going to do my Xolair shots too so that I don’t have to make 2 trips. Immunotherapy every week for now, and xolair on top of that every 2 weeks.

Pollyanna mode thoughts:

This house is so much better and easier than the old one to be fucked up in. Space to roll around in my manual chair! Various different places to lie down with my feet up – two whole couches and the bed and actually also the kids’ room in a pinch – If I can get down the stairs, my gravity chair – And I can sit on the porch steps in the sun or the tiny back deck for a nice view.

I am better off financially than before & now have both money and skill to get help for things or figure out what material / assistive device things to try.

I’m stronger physically than 10 years ago even if I’m, well, older.

It’s definitely enjoyable rolling down the long, smooth wooden floor hallway with the cat in my lap and pulling up with a little spin at the end. I always enjoy my competence at wheelies and wheelie-ing over a little bump (which we have from the hall into the kitchen). The cat really loves a little ride!

And in “experienced with this shit” super crip mode, in the good sense of super crip, I have a plan.

– Nice new (wheelchair user!) doc is out on leave. Hope she is OK. So I have a tomorrow morning remote appt with a physician assistant and will ask for extended release NSAIDs and a referral to orthopedist

– Actual doc in person appt in a couple of weeks (first available not-an-old-white-guy doctor that I can get to easily on a bus)

But I already know the things I should do, more or less, which are:

– Keep a log and follow a schedule to note pain levels and do regular voltaren/advil-with-crackers/ice

– When pain level gets worse over the day, amp up my elevation/icing/rest and don’t try to do stuff even in the manual chair

– figure out when in that pain level sequence I should take painkillers (probably “when it wakes me up at night/ can’t fall asleep” – otherwise probably not, or maybe some CBD/THC drops in evening but no opiates)

– So as not to mess up the rest of my body, spend some time periodically in the chair doing some seated tai chi/ stretches

– Experiment with night splints as long as I can tolerate them to keep things immobile

– Shower chair is up now and I will use it till really better

– Obviously, limiting my leaving the house or using the stairs (can do it, and should do it for my own physical and mental health, but can’t just do it frivolously)

– Ask for help more, which I hate even though Danny totally understands

Considering the many things I did kind of in rapid sequence that might have got me to this state. Experimenting with walks more than a block. Doing new foot exercises and stretches. More extreme stretching (like squatting to do things) Going out a lot and sitting up all day several days in a row (office day, night event, two night events in a row, extra office day with photo walk in evening (why did i do that!) I just have been so excited to be able to walk more and it felt actually good to be more active. So I guess I crossed that line without knowing it.