No regrets

A post about pain and its relative absence. Warning: boring! The last month or so have been an amazing window into the world of Much Less Pain. I would describe my last…. well since 2012 or so… since the ankle blow out and recovery year. several years of having this daily rhythm:

    * waking up: Pain about 7, move around and slowly unstiffen. slept 5 hours if lucky
    * morning: coffee! pain at 5 or 6. functioning! or maybe even sharp!
    * late afternoon: starting to wane. pain getting worse and I feel fuzzy
    * evening: Oh fuck this where are the pain meds… OR…. Kinda OK still at 5 or 6
    * bedtime: Oh fuck this where are the pain meds omfg. All the pain meds in the world. Pain at 7 or 8.

Last few months, increasingly so since last year’s surgery,

    * waking up: Just feelin’ ok! I slept 7-8 hours even! Pain like, 4 ish
    * morning: coffee! Woo hoo! Full speed ahead! Keen-minded! doing some tai chi! house work in between working! Pain at maybe 3-4, fabulous
    afternoon: Some more activity. I feel like I can go up and down the stairs for things. I can go out and do an errand. I can do something frivolous like take BART all the way to some remote station and work from another town’s library! Not to mention, swimming laps! Swimming like 400-900 yards at a time! gardening! feeling the healthy glow of exercise!
    * evening: I’m still able to maybe cook some food or do things or even go out
    * bedtime: OK the pain is back to a 6 or 7 and I’m smearing voltaren on myself and smoking a little dope but really it’s manageable.

As usual I am posting this because I was in the 2nd happy state for a good long while, maybe since January? But for the last week, I’m in a little more of a “flare up” state where I can’t go swim laps, I’m thinking hard about going up and down stairs to do laundry or go out for errands, Sitting up tires me out, my joints are burning, in the morning, just walking all the way across the (tiny) house seems like a lot. Ankles burning and stiff. Neck and arm on my bad side giving me trouble. Waking up in the night with pain. Work has to be my priority, then housework and doing very easy PT. Scaling back everything.

Sucks….

Perhaps I just overdid things because I felt so good. Or maybe it’s just chance. But, I’m bouncing back and determined to keep doing all my PT and strengthening exercises.

Goal, tomorrow go to the pool and don’t try to swim laps, just gently float around in the shallow end.

I feel super hopeful and not too upset about it – because I feel just *stronger* all around for all the exercise and activity.

Saul, again

I went to see Saul again tonight this time with Danny who is very jetlagged. Amazingly he lasted for the entire concert though I was prepared to leave early. it was absolutely splendid & i felt like the whole room was kind of stunned at the virtuosity all around. I am still impressed with Yulia Van Doren’s gorgeous pure voice – especially good on “Author of peace” (again) – and got shivers at the countertenor’s song to Saul all over again. Everything was just perfect – I admired the conductor’s perfect modulation of everything going on as I tried to stretch my mind to hear everything at once. Whenever things got super complex I wanted that to keep going forever – all too short!

During intermission i was reading some of the exhibits about WWI when a lady gorgeously dressed in purple with silver hair came up to me. “Excuse me… could I ask you a question?” This happens to me a lot and I turned to her, fixing my face to politeness, prepared to discuss wheelchair technology or purple hair dye (and hoping not to have to deal with some sort of weirder question).

“It’s my birthday….” (beaming smile)

I nod.

“And my friend bought me this big glass of champagne, but I can’t drink it. Can you drink champagne? And would you like it?”

I cracked up laughing. Sometimes!!! The things that happen to me! I just love it!

“WHY YES!”

I accepted the large glass of nice champagne.

Happy birthday and many happy returns, nice opera lady!!!!!! This just made my day! So sweet and so amusing! I feel honored!

My mind is still internally playing bits of Handel but it is mixing up in an unholy way with bits of Purcell and also, the wrong Handel.

I bought me & danny tickets to see Orlando in June for my birthday – the countertenor from tonight, Aryeh Nussbaum Cohen, is going to be in it.

Still reading those Morland books!

I’m on about book 26 or so. World War I is about to start, a bunch of damn Morlands just got onto the Titanic, and one of them is getting arrested at protests for women’s suffrage and force-fed in jail. Fairly intense!

Again… if you read these I recommend just skipping the U.S. Civil War one as it’s a hot racist mess. Go right back to England where this series belongs….. whew! Though, well, not like she doesn’t also manage to somehow have the Boer Wars be lily white as well (how?)

I had 2 days of conference-going after an active weekend of concert-going and I’m now having just a bit of a flare up feeling in various joints so I spent the day in bed. Sucks but I hope to be up and around quickly! But I don’t feel much like writing. Tired and achy.

Supporting SFWAR at the Walk Against Rape

After many years of planning to go and missing out, I finally made it to SF Women Against Rape‘s annual Walk Against Rape. It was very sweet – we had pastries, and made posters, I saw a few people I knew, we listened to poetry ( missed the poet’s name), speeches, and Susana y su Orquestra Adelante, then assembled in the street for a 2 mile march from the Women’s Building down to 16th and Mission, to 24th and Mission, then down 24th a few blocks & back again.

Before the march started I took it on myself to block off the side street where cars were still coming through – taking with me some handy folks including a large, kindly man obsessed with talking about his motorcycle who I felt would answer my call of punk sisterhood and several charming Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence one of whom I turned out to know. We turned back some cars and after a while a motorcycle cop showed up to do the honors. Back to the gathering march – I got up front with the banner holders. It is easier for me to be at the front or the back, so why not the front where I can represent for my wheely fellow survivors. I chanted the chants and waved at people and held up part of the banner for a while. The band (who reminded me of the stanford marching band – goofy awesome outfits) was great. Nothing like a marching band!!!! I love them!

Unpleasant aspects of the march: we were herded into one lane of the street by cops and they were just unpleasantly close to us much of the time. And, the kinda creepy dude with the nose ring and the replacements hoodie who followed the march the entire way filming it. I have actually had this same guy in my face before at the dyke march and I have a feeling I kind of know him like he is a friend of a friend (or an acquaintance). It takes a special kind of tacky to be a guy filming a march of mostly young women in this way. Not as a comrade, not in support, but for what? Stock photos? Weird fetish? Thinks he’s the documentarian of the revolution? Dunno. I ran him off a couple of times by staring him down and filming him back and one of the march organizers also got him to quit going right smack in front of us (though he just came right back). There was also a young man, high school or early college, who i thought maybe was doing an actual photojournalism assignment and he was not very good at whatever he was trying to do but at least he didn’t give off the massive creepster vibes of Mr. Descendents Hoodie.

So I spent a lot of the march with a huge crowd of mostly women at my back, staring down the cameraman and staring at some cop’s ass, gun, taser, and well worn nightstick. Typical….

The nice bits other than the people marching with, my friend Z showed up and handed out adorable “take no bullshit” stickers was one good thing; another was that many many people come out to see the march, to wave, honk in support, or just fall in and join us. That’s a really nice feeling.

SFWAR is a great organization that does good work, please donate to support them! Or, donate to an anti-rape or anti-domestic violence nonprofit near you — pick a small local one that supports your own community!!!

Two concerts

Too tired to write much but I’ll note that I saw Handel’s Saul last night (Philharmonic Baroque) and then today, the all Bach concert at the Legion of Honor. Saul was great. I loved the music, (weird box of squirrels carillion! solemn and stately trombones! bassoons!) the choir was just brilliant, countertenor’s amazing voice gave me shivers, and I got an instant crush on the soprano singing Merab. Then as she was walking off stage and past my seat, all I can think is I must have been gazing at her adoringly or with a giant goofy grin, because quick as lightning she pulled a hilarious face and stuck her tongue out at me and then was all normal again. Sometimes it is the little things in life that are the most delightful!

The Wikipedia article on Saul quotes a letter describing a fabulous new instrument (the sackbut aka trombone):

He has also introduced the sackbut, a kind of trumpet,with more variety of notes,& it is 7 or 8-foot long,& draws in like a perspective glass, so may be shortened to 3-foot as the player chuses, or thrown out to its full length; despise not this description for I write from his own words.

Bits that I marked with a little star in the program: the opening hallelujah stuff, the duet between David and Michal, Merab in act 2 scene 9 singing “Author of peace, who canst control” and then the chorus “Oh fatal consequence” at the end of act 2. After that I stopped marking althought I certainly waggled my eyebrows thoughtfully when David sings “Great was the pleasure I enjoy’d in thee, and more than women’s love thy wondrous love to me!”

We must also note the excellence of the Witch of Endor’s vampirish cape.

I don’t have the right vocabulary to describe it, but there were glorious moments where the men of the chorus would start a sort of descending … cascade or something… in a minor key. Like in the end of act 1 where the chorus sings 2 lines for a few minutes. “Preserved him for the glory of thy name, thy people’s safety and the heathen’s shame” – I wished it would go on forever – I went into a complete trance. So great & complicated all at once.

It is sort of a libretto about toxic masculinity, like, at first i wanted it to be a bit more of a mirror for princes – don’t let paranoia drive you as a ruler, don’t attack the strongest allies you have out of fear or jealousy – But then pondering how even our paragons of rationality and control are mostly admired for their ability to deal out death, including gory details of how their swords reek from the entrails of the slain and their arrows always drink the blood of their victims, etc. Gross!

The Bach program today was pleasant and I liked the Coffee Cantata – very silly and adorable – the soprano was good, Shawnette Sulker. Afterwards wandered around the museum a little bit with Lisa but she had to leave. (But we did get to just stand around in front of The Russian Bride’s Attire. It’s really something! It would be amazing to cosplay with a big group. I call being the chick in the corner with the trash can hat!) I stayed a little longer and went to the Rubens exhibit by myself.

Why is it so damn hard to get over to that part of town on the bus? It took nearly 2 hours. The 38 Geary is hella slow.

Got some groceries & then crossed the street to get flowers from the woman who sets up in front of the abandoned liquor store. As always, I tried to choose flowers myself, but failed.

Flower lady: When you come to me you can get whatever you like, just tell me which ones…
Me: Um, some of these roses and these purple things and the purple thistles.
Flower lady: Don’t touch them, I will pick. It will ruin them.
Me: OK.
Flower lady: The thistles don’t go. You need this one. And some greens. Some leafs.
Me: Just the flowers is ok.
Guy with a chihuahua and groceries: You want to buy it?
Flower lady: But I don’t know if it works. No batteries.
(Lengthy conversation in Spanish, the guy is trying to sell her a floodlight)
Me: you need to sell stuff but people want to sell you stuff!
Flower lady: Tell me about it! Every day! Well, It’s good to buy from the little people. Like me. Because you can get what you like. Whatever you like! You choose!
Me: So…. Just the flowers then. Great thanks. I love them. (My back is hurting… i want to leave….)
Flower lady: I will choose for you. The greens will invigorate. Then something to make it pop. Here (stripping leaves brutally off the stems) I will arrange for you.
Me (resigned): Ok… you’re the expert! Lovely! Yes! Great! Thanks! Looks great!

*** A MILLION YEARS PASS WHILE SHE ARRANGES THE FLOWERS ***

Me: The thing is I have a pretty tall vase.
Flower lady: (does incomprehensible things)
Me: Very symmetrical! The yellow and orange roses look like flames in the middle!
Flower lady (giving me bay leaves): Put these leaves in the bath. Good for you.
Me: Thanks, I love bay leaves
Flower lady: And like this. (it starts to look super fancy!!!)
Me: Wow. OK!
Random white guy: I want one like that.
Me: Right? It’s nice.
Guy: I have bay leaves on my ranch and I like to just crush one and have it in my pocket.
Flower lady: I will make one for you.
Guy: Something something, guatemala.
Flower lady: Oh so! You are from Guatemala!
Guy (in spanish) No I just have a 2nd house there
Flower lady (in spanish): And a second woman and some extra children who look like you.
Me: *cracks up*
Guy (super uncomfortable): No! oh, no! My girlfriend is in the grocery store across the street!
Me: You better get her flowers, man!
Flower lady: Don’t let her know about the other wife in Guatemala. Where is your girlfriend? She can pick!
Me: She’s in the grocery store, he’s gonna surprise her.
Flower lady: I will give you this extra rose, for your bedside. The rose is INVIGORATING. It gives energy. You will keep it by the BED.
Me: Oh thanks. I actually have a little vase by my bed so , perfect
Flower lady: *starts to arrange more things with the extra rose*

*** NINETEEN MILLION HOURS LATER ***

I have a giant armful of flowers and am trying to balance it as I zoom down Cortland at like 15 miles an hour on my travelscoot driving it one-handed with a bag of groceries between my feet.

It’s driller time

Setting out to drill holes in some flowerpots and old mugs I ended up dumping everything out of one of my tool bags & reorganizing it. A small tool drawer, tool bag, electronics bag, and drill + bits bag plus whatever the heck is in the garage in my scooter fixing scavenged nightstand tool drawer. No wonder I can never find the right tool.

Anyway – I read some info online on drilling through ceramic (use masking tape), thought over what the guy in Cliff’s advised me (ignore useless masking tape, pour lots of water over the thing as you drill). The tape was irritating so I went with water. It was hard to set the hollow round diamond tipped drill and get it to catch, but once it started in I could see powder building up & so sluiced it away every few seconds. I was careful not to punch the drill through the flowerpots and shatter everything. Oh, and also, because of the water but also because of having bits of glass and ceramic flying around, I did this on top of a dishtowel and then some paper towels, in the metal kitchen sink. Also wearing safety glasses on top of my glasses.

I forgot to wear the flamingo hat.

Good news is, all my flowerpots now have drainage and I didn’t drill through anything I didn’t intend to, like my own hand or the sink itself.

Sturdy machines glide through the water

Swimming last week 3 times a day at the hot springs place in Calistoga really got me going. I did (slow) laps in the olympic size hot springs pool, with that feeling that if my ankles and knees would stay strong I could keep swimming forever. Also I realized that because I can really swim again instead of just slowly walking around or doing stretches, the water doesn’t have to be body heat warm, maybe.

Monday I did nearly 1000 yards (a kiloyard? what is this in meters? shall i switch my fitbit to meters???) and then later felt like i was gonna die from the ankles upwards. Today I cooled my jets a little and swam 750 yards. Headphones in, waterproofed ipod shuffle clipped to my beefcake unisex bathing suit strap, feeling like a tireless otter! Trembling afterward. Noodly limbed. Felt fantastic.

I got the KT train slooooowwwwwly going up Ocean Avenue, got out at Castro, and had a burger at Orphan Andys. The naked faerie dudes were out in full force today in jane warner plaza (I have missed them) but then I saw cops pull up 🙁 So wrong… it’s our culture! Get out of the Castro if you don’t want to see some old tanning-bed-leathery guy’s junk hanging out! Have a little respect ffs!!! Annnyway I had to work (yes i worked while having a burger I had so much shit to do!!)

Then I went to Cliffs to get a diamond tipped drill bit so I can drill through the cute but deadly for the root-rot flowerpots which lack a drainage hole. And some cracked mugs that I put succulents into. But… what is this…. in the cliffs window! A hat shaped like a happy narwhal?????!!!!! I tried it on. Then a whale hat. Fun but not quite … somehow not satisfying… I looked up and BEHOLD there it was…. heavens opening and light pouring down like the gayest thing you have ever seen …. at the top of the spinning hat rack – A giant flamingo hat. Well made too with a poseable wire neck & beak, and feathery-furred wings that are flappable. Even before I got the nice bear dude who works there to get it down for me I was belly laughing uncontrollably at how this was going to roll. And yes. It was magnificent. Best thing ever. Bear clerk goes “And you know what else *wink* Inside… inside the hat… it has a SECRET POCKET!” Oh what. Someone saw into my very soul. I mean what could be better. Maybe if it were reversible and the other side was a giant satin vulva I guess. Secret pocket, good enough! “Shall I just cut that tag off for you as I think you may be wearing this out of the store?” “Why yes, ” *hysterical doubling over laughing with tears in my eyes* “Yes please! OMFG I’m never taking this hat off again!” The head and neck of the flamingo are well balanced and you can feel the weight of it bobbing gently.

Bus driver, mouth open: “What… ok now what kind of swan is that you have on your head ma’am” “A swan of ULTIMATE DIGNITY!” “It is that. Well don’t let it fly while it’s on my bus” “I just got it, across the street! What’s gonna happen, someone might stare at me, right?” *bus driver finally loses it and cracks a smile*

most people: (refusing to make eye contact because i am probably a big ol douchebag (true))

a few, good people, kindred spirits: *eyes light up and face splits into a huge grin!!!!!*

I love this hat!

flamingo hat animated

Please please let me not fuck up my legs in some mysterious screwed up way and let me keep swimming and get my legs stronger. I haven’t felt this good since 2011.

Swimming with my Camaro

When I went to leave the house this afternoon there was a crew of guys pulling (fiber) cable under the sidewalk. I had been listening to them out the window for a while as I was working, and there was clearly one guy who was the big joker, though I couldn’t hear what he was saying most of the time he was bossing the other guys around and teasing them too. Anyway, I explained I had to open the garage door for my wheelchair, they moved their stuff to one side, then the joker started in once they could see into the garage as I had 3 wheelchairs visible (actually 5 in there or more? but 3 of them obvious and ready to go…) He was like Oh, three of them, your Mustang, your Camaro, your BMW… I told him the one I was in is the Camaro because it goes the fastest. I think we were flirting? In Spanish? In any case I like being indulgently joked with by kind workmen in hard hats. It helps fulfill my lifelong wish of being a character in Richard Scarry’s Busy Busy World (I am obviously Bugdozer). Then I had the song “Bitchin’ Camaro” stuck in my head for the next half hour. Also, excited we are getting FIBER!!!!

It was pretty quick getting to Balboa Park station on the J. There were California poppies growing on the train tracks between Bernal and Glen Park. I mentioned before how the Balboa station strikes me as not being FOR people; it is for trains, and the train-ness is built around cars, as it is right next to the 280 highway in a little maze of on and offramps. At least it isn’t smack in the middle of the highway. But it is so full of fences, walls, spikey metal things, giant ramps and tracks and stairways. It is a confusing building inside and out. One thing to note if you are a wheelchair user – The accessible platform for getting OFF the J is nearly but not quite inside the station — in the trainyard itself and leading right to the interior of the station. But the platform for boarding the inbound J train is on the other side of the building.

Balboa Park itself is just lovely! All the flowers are blooming. Landscaping particularly nice. The skatepark was empty & the door was open. You know what that means!!!!!! Yes I went in and tried all the ramps. It would be REALLY fun to go with my manual wheelchair! The powerchair is less satisfying because it doesn’t go faster downhill (it stays throttled). Surely somewhere there are awesome sport powerchairs or someday…. WHILL will let folks custom program the motor controllers with more interesting options. (Or I will have another one someday and be able to hack around on it with impunity.) Feeling very pleased with myself for marauding around the skatepark…. like in reality I know it just looks a bit silly but IN MY MIND i’m aaron fucking fotheringham out there! No lie!!! Sadly there was no way to photograph this…. But here’s me smirking about it, just afterwards.

balboa park

I am trying to look up who made the sign. Maybe it says somewhere in the park. My prime suspect is Victor Zaballa who does a lot of public art and metalwork around town (he made the paper cutout (papel picado) railings at 16th and Mission). I can spot his work sometimes now, and also William Mitchell’s.

Instead of immediately going to swim, I trundled down past the park to Red Sea Pizza & Mkt, conveniently also a pokestop and Ingress portal. I had marked it down on the map along with Pineapples as a Balboa station thing to do. The yelp reviews didn’t lie — this is great pizza! 4 bucks a slice, and i got a fucking giant, fabulous piece of pizza covered with garlic and olives and 2 kinds of pepperoni. The crust was perfectly crispy. They have some sort of crust miracle going. How is that?!!!! I sat outside at their tiny tables to watch people go by someone catcalled me from a car. I looked up from my pizza & it was a tiny woman a little older than me screeching out her car window “LET’S HEAR IT FOR PURPLE HAIRED LADIES!!!” Her hair was a rich deep purple. “PURPLE SISTERRRRR!” I screamed back. We did thumbs up at each other and giggled and then it was a little awkward because the light didn’t change and we didn’t know what to do next except continue giggling. Let’s hear it for being catcalled by cute silly haired women in mini coopers! Entirely pleasant. Some teenagers came in and then suddenly ran out yelling at each other – they were running for the train. The market owner (super nice!!!) came out and laughed with me about it and said he likes to place bets every morning on the kids running after the J train. A nice place to hang out.

I am eyeing Tasty Coffee as a nice place to work after a swim… Next time. That and the dole whip at pineapples…. calling me.

Onward to the pool. It’s big, it’s new, it’s lovely! The building is just very pretty (inside and out). It’s still a giant slab of concrete but somehow is like the friendly little brother of the loud, stompy, spiky, fortress train station.

There is an accessible shower stall. Bring a lock (unless you are me and can just stuff your clothes under your wheelchair seat). The water is much warmer than any other public pool I’ve been in (thank god!) at 82′ which is the maximum they’re allowed to set it. (Says the super nice lifeguard. ) The air wasn’t bad either, and it was a chilly, rainy day. I got into the water without even a squeak! There are huge picture windows – even while swimming i could see the water tower in McLaren Park and some trees and hills & houses and a ton of birds flying by (the seagulls who love to hang out at the dump, I guess.) All the staff was so nice.

Minor complaint, the door opener buttons don’t work. . . But people sprang up to offer to open them so if you can’t handle heavy doors, don’t worry too much. (And you can bypass the locker room doors easily by just going into the pool area and entering from that direction.)

My waterproof ipod shuffle and headphones worked great and I swam a zillionty laps very slowly in the slow lane shared with a businesslike 80 year old who was there when I started and seemed ready to go another half hour after I quit.

Very different from swimming last summer when I was still not quite able to do laps. I feel stronger! My calves and ankles are definitely stronger. I can trace back over the years to 2012 when I couldn’t even get into water without ankle braces because the little currents of the water moving my ankles around ever so slightly made me want to throw up from pain. Oh man. How I ever endured those times I don’t even know (not the pool, just the whole terrible year of my ankles going kablooey in every tendon. Like being squeezed by evil snakes on the INSIDE.)

Anyway now after my epic 20 minute swim, my legs are all wobbly and wibbly & my knees hella hurt right now but I dont think it’s the going to be injured for weeks sort of hurt – I will take some pain meds and take it easy tomorrow. Feeling very optimistic about swimming a few times a week and gradually increasing the time/laps. Remind me of this optimism tomorrow when I wake up and can’t move out of bed before voltarening myself for an hour and whining a lot.

The hours for lap and rec swim also looked just great for me, big chunks of the afternoon and then early evening. I’m so excited, I’m going to swim all the time…. I remarked to the lifeguard that Garfield Pool is closer and seems to be the next in line (it’s closed for renovation) and he said he thought it was going to be really nice. Yay! Pools!!!!!!!

When I drive past the kids
They all spit and cuss
‘Cause I’ve got a bitchin’ Camaro
And they have to ride the bus